Rough Draft

Moved to cigarette_love.livejournal.com
(It's without the 'www' behind for links to livejournals.)

Cheers.

posted by cigarettelove @ 2:27 AM 0 Comments

New Year's Resolutions 08'

2007's been memorable, but I'll leave it be for another day. Resolutions, oh resolutions. A certain something that always cease to be after their short-lived existence in our human brains.. But it doesn't hurt to hurl a ticket into the lottery pick in the new year.

It's weird to be back here after a short hiatus, but when inspirations calls, it's a command. And for some reason, I think this fits my public blog more than my private one. Some voice's just telling me that, I don't know. Yet it seems real enough for me to pay attention to. Strange.

I'll prioritize my resolutions this time. :D

#1. Spiritual Life, Church, Cell Group.
I know I've never been much of a 'holy' guy around here. But God's truly the one and only thing that's been real in my life. Through the good times and the bad times, He's always the comfort and the peace. Crying into his arms is always so.. breaking, that sometimes, the atmosphere itself is torn apart, revealing His helm of glory. Putting God first ranks top on my priority. To be honest, that's as easy as it gets, but being the selfish human we are, our own well-beings are always placed above our Father in heaven. People say, if you put God first, His blessings will flow like a river into every area of our life. I've never really felt his blessings in bulk, and it doesn't hurt to experience it this year. I'm hearing a voice that says if I keep true to this resolution, I'll be a great testimonial at the end of the year, to not others, but myself as well. Reading the bible, praying, and quiet time.. That is what I seek this year. Hopefully, I'll be in a ministry in church some time soon, and be serving even more than what I used to serve in cell group.

#2. Mindset, Emotional Well-Beings.
Why is it always that we never rid ourselves of the one thing that needs to be gotten rid of the most? The few close people I have had always been raking this up: Pessimism. I really need to discover a need to be optimistic about life. After all, 17 years old looks to be over once and for all this year, and dreaded 18 years old (or the I-think-I-feel-extremely-old-age) is soon and coming. Optimism ranks second on my new year resolutions, and I aim to be a better person this year. Be positive about life, and live out my teenage years to its fullest, even though what's left of it now looks demoralizing little. On the same note, I'm going to be a happier person, where depression seemed to accompany me for the most part of 2007, joy's gonna be my best bet in keeping me alive in 2008.

#3. Goals & Targets.
What some people have been telling me is that I have this ability to script out my innermost feelings, but I feel that this isn't so. However, if it really is a God-given talent, instead of secluding myself from it, I'm embracing it this year. I'm going to refresh and re-light my passion for reading, and a highly unattainable goal is to spin up an entire novel by the year end, but what's probable would be building up the spine of a successful storyline. Music-wise, I must admit I'm not very talented in it, but I'm going to work on my guitar to lift it up a notch higher. Most of all, I hope to be writing a few songs of my own. Which in this case, I feel that much work's to be done. Most of all, I aim to do well in my 'A' Levels, and through years of unfulfilled potential (or so Mom says), I'm gonna throw in everything on the line to attain a scholarship, or at least know that I've done my best.

#4. Family & Friends.
I'd like to keep this area a little private, since not too many people knows about this area of my life. Maybe just one, or two. But I'll just skim the surface a little; be a better son, and a better friend. A better son in living up to expectations, and responsibilities, and a better friend in just being.. a spark in somebody else's life.

#5. Physical fitness.
The last and final section, and also something which does not bother me much. However, in the name of self-image and vanity, I aim to bulk up a little more. No idea how, since my constant body mass remains a scientific mystery. While I almost never disappoint myself in terms of fitness, I aim to bring my body over the limit this year, just to see how far I can take myself to.

Resolutions are meant to be little, and kept simple. Although there are little things like drawing, dancing, and even taking up a part-time job while schooling, focus brings strength. There are just so many things I need to change over the course of the new year, but to sum things up, I just want to someone different than what I used to be.

Therefore, the finale resolution:
Be inspirationally changed, and hopefully, become a better man.
(Maybe I'll secure the Most Changed Award during Thanksgiving for the third year running, who knows?)

Oh yes, and of course, remembering the most important thing of all.
Learn to love better, because love's what keeps us living to this very day.

Painting an Inspiration of Love.

posted by cigarettelove @ 6:26 AM 0 Comments

The surface appears an unperplexed cool, but a tempest's churning beneath. Where day follows night, and night follows sorrow. Life's beginning to spin some way beyond control, it feels as if the thread hanging is beginning to thin by the day. There's really few, or maybe even zilch purposes in this place. I swear, or take my word for it, that there's absolutely no way I'm staying here once I get the first chance to leave this forsaken place. I want to fly, need to fly above and out my cage, my nest. A drag, it may seems, and the days crawl by. But one day in freedom's a thousand day better in a cold, bitter prison.

For now, I'm escaping reality. I'll build myself another world elsewhere, far away from the eyes of onlookers.

posted by cigarettelove @ 7:44 AM 0 Comments

Rain is a good cleansing agent.

It washes away dirt on the ground.
It make it clean.

It is our playground.
We jump in the puddles in our wellington boots, making big splash! sounds.

Get our clothes all wet, and a sound scolding as well.

It washes away stains.
Stains on our hands.

Our heart, our soul, our body.

Rain makes it a good time to sleep.
To snuggle in bed, and dream.

Rain is an emotion.

It is a shelter over pain and hurt.
Sadness, and grief.

Tears are disguised in the rain.

We jump about in the rain, we can have fun.
There's no tomorrow when it rains.

Rain is a wonderful feeling.

Even more so, when it rains,
In your heart.

posted by cigarettelove @ 5:19 AM 0 Comments

I probably should have closed down this space by now.

Oh well.
Better late than never.

posted by cigarettelove @ 5:08 AM 0 Comments

I miss you.

posted by cigarettelove @ 6:30 AM 0 Comments

Whispering Prayers

He sat up on bed. Sniffling back the tears, he closed his eyes and looked up to the heavens. His hands were clasped together. Occasionally, he wiped his runny nose on his sleeve, like a little boy. In between the sobs and sniffs, he spoke out softly, and fearfully. As if he was begging hard for something more than his life was worth. His body felt weak, and his forehead was burning like wildfire. The cold was making him shiver against his will. He was brewing hot and cold, yet he was numb inside.

His voice was hushed, so light and gentle that it seemed to float and hang in the air. Tears were still trickling; his stomach growled out in hunger. Still, he ignored the physical realm of his surroundings. He needed to connect to a presence, needed to feel something bigger than his body. And then, he touched it. The helm of the reassuring silence. His world was dark, but it was filled with light. Lips trembling, he whispered..

He asked that his father could somehow, be able to enter a state of finacial stability. It pains him to see his father's tired body, and the struggles he had to go through every day. He loved his father. For his sake, and his family's, he prayed for a blessing from above.

He asked that he could strengthen in that few areas of his life. Academically, he aspire to do as well as he did when he was a young boy. Spritually, he wanted the faith and innocence of the little ones. He wanted to do so much more. He didn't want to be a letdown. Not to her, or anyone at all.

Attempting to hold back his sobs, which had now reached an uncontrollable state, he mustered enough strength to whisper out another prayer. "I pray that our relationship will hold steadfast in the midst of storms. And through it all, the stars will shine in our skies again.."

Proceeding to end his prayer, he stopped; hesistated. Deep down, he wanted to ask for one last thing. But.. but should I? He brushed aside these thoughts, and tried again. But once more, he failed. He paused for a long while, and finally whispered his last, final prayer.

"I pray that somehow, she'd know just how much I love her."

By then, he didn't have much time to think about closing his prayer. So exhuasted was his body that he had already drifted off to deep slumber. Trails of his tears that had streamed down his face just moments ago can be seen underneath the dim moonlight that shone through vague opening in the curtains. But despite that, he had already spoken out his innermost wishes.

Slowly, his smile hid his weariness, amidst that peaceful breathing.

posted by cigarettelove @ 5:36 AM 0 Comments

The Art of Drowning

It takes a single step to plunge into deep waters.

A single long breath.

Streams of bubbles dances on the surface.
A hypnotizing, mystical dance.

Like fragile exteriors of life.

Poke them, burst them. Vanish them.

Release into the world, like life is released underwater.

Struggle a little, then stop.

Allow the shivering, frightful images to flood the mind.

Keep still.

Let loose, let life.

Slowly.. gently.
The chill wraps around you, tight.

Life seeps away.

"One step.. just one step."

Dive in. Splash into the rigid, stony waters.

Silence devours the entire world.

Before long, Silence devours.. you.

posted by cigarettelove @ 9:44 AM 0 Comments